There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize