I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
