Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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