my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
