the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
