she was so not down for the gang bang
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
