I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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