Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
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