Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
