This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
