please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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