So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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