My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
