Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
