I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Swine flu is the new snow day.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
