It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize