Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
