how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
