somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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