umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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