I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
