Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
