everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
