I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
