The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
