You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
