Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
