I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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