if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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