she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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