You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
