Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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