sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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