the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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