Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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