You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
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