I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
