The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
