words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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