I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize