I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
