just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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