rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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