dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
