Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
