I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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