Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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