Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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