i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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