I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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