I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
