the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
