the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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