who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
