You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
