What did we do last night that was yellow?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
