This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
