Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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