I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
