Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
