I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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