I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
