just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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