Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
