i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
