The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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