So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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