i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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