Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Randomize
