No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
