so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
